Signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Yes, it is possible to drive yourself crazy.

I am halfway there, with a tank full of gas.

My first beta number was great. Absolutely.  However, as great as that first number was, it doesn’t mean anything until I find out the next number.  Basically, you want to know that your level is at least doubling every 48-72 hours.

On Friday night I bought a pregnancy test.  I peed on a stick Saturday morning. Of course there were two lines, indicating a positive result. However, the second line wasn’t as dark as the control line. It was more faint than I would have liked it to be. Does that mean I am not “that” pregnant?

Also, my breasts have been SO sore. Particularly at the end of the day when I take off my bra.  And every night, I try to see if they hurt as much as they did the night before.  If not, does that mean this pregnancy is slipping away from me?

Also, for the past week or so, my blood sugar has been a little elevated, even though I have been eating the same food I have been this whole time.  But, they say that the hormones from pregnancy can elevate your blood sugar, so fine. Today, however, my sugar has been low again.  Like really low. What does this mean?

I know what you’re thinking reading this. If I was on the outside looking in I would think the same thing.

But, going through a miscarriage last year, at 6 weeks (further along than I am now), on the same day that I heard my baby’s heartbeat…well, that stays with you.  It is hard not to let doubt creep in between the joy and excitement. I’m trying, I really am. I don’t want to let the doom and gloom of “what if” steal my joy. But it’s really hard. I don’t want my heart broken again.

So, I am supposed to go to the doctor on Wednesday to have my second beta test. But I don’t think I can wait that long and stay sane.  My plan is to wake up tomorrow morning and call their office and see if I can go in tomorrow instead.

Hopefully they say yes, and hopefully I get great numbers.

And then I can relax a little.

But probably not.

Don’t judge.


About llipps

New mom, infertility survivor, marketer, wife, daughter and friend. I struggle to find the balance between being all things to all people and being happy with who I am. I love meeting new people, telling my stories, and hearing yours.
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