Driven to distraction

It’s not even that early right now, 9:15 a.m. on Saturday morning.  Of course I have been awake for hours.  My dear husband likes to sleep in. I wish he was awake with me so he could distract me from the anxiety.

The last few days have been…rough.

After having great HCG levels, I was really looking forward to my ultrasound last Wednesday.  Finally Todd and I were going to get to see our baby, and hopefully hear the heartbeat.

For days beforehand I would keep asking him if he thought everything was ok and if there would be a heartbeat.  He, of course, would reassure me and tell me what a great appointment we were going to have.

I also told him that on Monday I had woken up with a gut feeling that there were two little babies in there.

So off we went on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, to see our baby.

We went back to the ultrasound room and assumed the position. I didn’t care for this particular ultrasound tech. We’d had her before and she was a little cold.  She set about doing all the measuring, manipulating the wand, and generally not telling us much. Her demeanor made me start getting a little nervous.

She did tell us that there were two gestational sacs, but did not tell us much else. I started tearing up and she told me, no ordered me, to stop. She said that she was going to go do all the calculations and then a nurse would talk to me.


Todd and I went back in the waiting room to wait for the nurse to come get us.

After sitting there for what felt like an eternity, she finally came and called us back. As soon as I saw her, I whispered to Todd “it isn’t good.”

In her office she told us that twin B had no heartbeat and that twin A had a slow heartbeat. We were taken aback for a moment because we hadn’t been told that either baby had a heartbeat prior to that.

That day I was 6 weeks 2 days. The average fetal heart rate range for that stage of pregnancy is 103 – 126.  Twin A’s heart rate was 87.

The nurse asked if we wanted to talk to the doctor and we of course did.  His demeanor when he came in was also that of someone very defeated, someone who was sad to break bad news to us.

He explained that if the pregnancy was a singleton with a heart rate of 87 he wouldn’t be as concerned as he was with the presence of a second baby with  no heartbeat and twin A’s heart rate being that low.

He told us that it is extremely rare for baby B to turn into a viable pregnancy when at that stage there was no heartbeat. And that as far as baby A, we just had to wish for the best but he wasn’t very hopeful.

As we left, I was clearly a mess.

I felt like an asshole for getting excited and getting my hopes up. And of course, I had told some people because I had been excited. So, I began the fun task of texting said people and letting them know that the ultrasound hadn’t gone so great.

I had to go home and get ready for Thanksgiving, since I was hosting the next day.  That blew. Thanksgiving has always been my FAVORITE holiday.  This was tainting it.  Really, the last thing I wanted to do was go get the turkey ready and bake pies.

Also, my little sister was home from school and came over that day to visit with me.  Keeping a “stiff upper lip” for her was hard.  I just wanted to break down in tears.  But she is 20, and I didn’t think that would be fair to her.  She doesn’t need to be witness to that kind of pain. Not yet.

On thanksgiving our families came over, and it was nice to have them here.  As soon as they left, I realized that I really was thankful for the distraction they provided while they were here. But as soon as they left, there was only one thing on my mind once again.

Besides the obvious sadness, I was/am really concerned about the actual miscarriage.

Where would I be when it happened?  Would I be alone? When it happened last year, it was AWFUL. Todd and I happened to be in the car on the way to our doctor when I started bleeding. And I don’t mean just a little.  It was frightening and astounding how much blood came out of me.  The pants I was wearing were completely ruined and my front seat was a bright red mess.

Is that going to happen this time?  How am I going to logistically handle that if I am at, say work, when it happens again?  What if I am grocery shopping?  Seriously, how do I handle that?

You might be thinking that I need to stay positive.  After all, this is what all my family and friends, who are aware of the situation, are advising me to do.  But really, try, just try to put yourself in my place for just a minute, and tell me how in the hell you would possibly manage that.

I can certainly adopt the attitude of whatever happens, happens. Because after all, this really is completely out of my control.

But to stay positive, and tell myself everything will be ok?  Well sorry, but you must  be on crack if you think that is possible.

All that runs through my mind is the doctor and how he spoke about it, the fact that my breasts no longer seem to hurt nearly as much, that I haven’t had nausea for the last few days.  None of this bodes well.

A while ago, when I found out I was pregnant, I downloaded a bunch of apps on my iPhone that told me all about my pregnancy. When I would inevitably wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning to go pee, I would get back in bed and immediately read all 12 of these apps. I wanted to know as much as I could about what was happening with my body, what was happening with the development of my baby, how far along I was.  I was hungry for this information and gobbled it up with a silly grin on my face and sheer joy.

Now, since Wednesday, I read these apps begrudgingly, almost out of a sense of obligation.

That sucks.  I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of me.

Now you might say that is my fault, that I am the only one who has control of whether I still feel joy or not.

Again, I invite you to ATTEMPT to put yourself in my shoes. Then tell me how to feel.

We have another ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday.

I do hope for good news. But I am also realistic.


About llipps

New mom, infertility survivor, marketer, wife, daughter and friend. I struggle to find the balance between being all things to all people and being happy with who I am. I love meeting new people, telling my stories, and hearing yours.
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