It is 11:17 p.m. and I keep asking myself that question.
This morning Todd and I anxiously drove to the doctor’s office for our fourth ultrasound. I am 8 weeks, 4 days pregnant today. This has been a crazy roller coaster so far and after our last ultrasound, we actually had a little bit of hope, and were heading into this appointment with a slightly different mindset than we had the previous one.
I still made sure not to eat or drink anything because I usually don’t before we go to the doctor, and because, well you never know.
We didn’t have to wait long before being taken back. Unfortunately the news was not good. Neither baby had a heartbeat. No heartbeat. None.
The doctor came in and basically said that it was over and agreed we should schedule a D&C. I asked him if it could be done today and he confirmed that it could.
We were walked over to the hospital surgery waiting room. I had just enough time to send texts to all my friends who knew I was pregnant to update them on the situation.
They took me back, without Todd, asked me a bunch of questions, had me change and hooked up my IV. Then they brought Todd in and the doctor stopped by to explain the procedure.
Todd left and the anaestheseologist came in, put a shot in my IV and said it was something to help me relax.
That was the last thing I remember. I don’t remember them wheeling me into the operating room, or anything else.
When I woke up I was groggy and in pain. They gave me a few shots of Potocin, anti-nausea medicine, and narcotics. This made me more groggy but also helped a bit with the pain.
I had them bring Todd in. After a bit, they wanted me to try drinking and eating something so I had some ginger ale and graham crackers. Then they wanted to make sure I could walk around a bit so they had me go to the bathroom.
That was when I discovered that I was wearing hospital-issued underwear. They were a gauzy boy-short style. This was a first. Upon returning to my bed, I was allowed to change and when I took off my gown, I saw how much blood there was on the back, which was disturbing.
Once we got home, I ate some lunch and then was pretty groggy and sleepy. I napped on and off throughout the day.
Around 7:00 I started feeling a little more normal so we discussed what to do for dinner. We also took some pictures of the dog to use for our holiday card.
And then when all the busy work was over, I realized I was starting to feel.
I feel some cramps, so I may take a percocet before bed.
But also, I feel. I am not ready for this. I can’t even begin to sort through all the emotions going through me.
Did all this really happen today?
I had an ultrasound, found out my babies had no heartbeats and then basically had an abortion?
That’s a lot in a day. I can’t feel. I am nowhere near ready to feel.