Am I ok?

No. No,  I am not ok. My heart is broken.

It has been 11 days. A lot has happened in that time. I attended my company’s holiday party, threw a Hanukkah dinner at my house, and celebrated my husband’s birthday. I also booked a vacation for January.

My point? No, I am not ok but life goes on. It has to. What choice do I have?

I laugh at funny/snarky comments my coworkers make. I buy holiday presents. I cook dinner. I make plans for next year.

I carry on with business as usual. From the outside looking in, it may appear as though I am back to my old self. Or if you don’t know what happened, you would never guess it.

But make no mistake, the tears are never far away.

On Sunday, I was watching Glam Fairy, a dumb fluffy show that is a spin-off of another dumb reality show called Jerseyliscious. The main character is pregnant and she goes for a 20 week ultrasound to find out if she is having a boy or a girl. And you could hear the baby’s heartbeat.

Tears right away. I have been pregnant twice now and have heard my babies’ heartbeats twice now. Yet I have never gotten to hold my own baby in my arms.

If you think that this is something that I am just going to get over, then you’re a fucktard.

Fortunately, most of the people around me are not fucktards.  I have a great support system of family and friends. And of course my husband.

Let me illustrate for you the kind of man I married.

Last Wednesday I was working from home. I got up, got my coffee and booted up the laptop to check emails. I had received an email from SpaFinder that 3 of my coworkers had chipped in together to purchase a gift certificate for me. That in itself was extremely touching. I was very grateful.

Well my husband got up and came into the room and asked me why I was crying. I explained to him about the generosity of my coworkers. He clued me in to the fact that he had known about it because they asked him what spa I liked going to.

I told him that I wished someone would do something nice for him because I wasn’t the only one going through this. After all, he lost two babies as well.

He replied “When they told me what they wanted to do for you, I knew it would make you happy, and that made me feel really good. So, they did do something nice for me too.”

That just about broke my heart.

My husband is not a perfect man. But he is pretty darn close and God do I love him.

How could I not want to have children with this man?

So anyway, no, I am not ok. Not by a long shot. My biggest dream, my heart’s desire have been taken away from me. Literally scraped out of my body.

But I will be. Eventually. Someday, it will hurt just a little bit less. Someday, tears won’t bubble to the surface if I happen to walk through the baby food aisle at the grocery store by accident. Someday, I will stop placing my hand on my belly like I did when I was pregnant.

Some day.


About llipps

New mom, infertility survivor, marketer, wife, daughter and friend. I struggle to find the balance between being all things to all people and being happy with who I am. I love meeting new people, telling my stories, and hearing yours.
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