I have been putting off writing this post. I really don’t want to come across as a Bitter Betty. And I don’t want to rain on anyone else’s parade.
But, this blog is supposed to be a place where I can share my thoughts and feelings. It is also supposed to document the entire IVF process. The process has not yet ended for me. Grieving when it doesn’t work, is sadly also part of the process.
First of all, thank you to everyone who read it last week when I made it public. Your comments and notes and the fact that you cared enough to read, really touched me.
I had a really hard time getting into the holiday spirit this year. Shocking I know. I tried really hard. We put the trees up and we put the lights up and we decorated.
I bought presents. And then I bought more presents. I think I kept buying because I thought that maybe eventually my heart would fill with cheer.
I had a perfectly nice Christmas.
We went to Todd’s parents house, like we always do, on Christmas Eve. We had a lovely meal and afterwards played a few rounds of a board game. We sat in front of the fire and read.
The next morning we woke up and had a yummy breakfast. And then we set about the serious business of opening presents. My in-laws and my husband were very generous.
Then, like every year, we drove a few miles to go see Todd’s grandma and spend a few hours with her. And then, back to his parents house for Christmas dinner.
Really, it had all the trappings of a lovely holiday.
But something was missing.
A little piece of my heart.
Time will heal it. But not enough time has passed yet.
Maybe by Christmas next year I will have a new reason to celebrate. Or maybe I will be more healed.