Since I have shared this blog, a lot of people have praised my strength. I have sort of scoffed at that, mostly because I didn’t know how to react or because I didn’t really feel like I was being all that strong.
But now I do.
I have had this feeling lately. Not a good feeling.
Imagine if depression were an actual person. It has felt like this person is tugging on my sleeve, asking me to follow him. I refuse, but it only makes him more persistent. I refuse again and he tries some subtlety. He beckons me over to the couch, says he just wants a little cuddle.
But I know better. The last time I cuddled with him on the couch I didn’t get up for weeks. He and I were in our own world. I was completely wrapped up in him, even began to feel comfortable in his embrace. But while he felt like my safe haven, he was quite the opposite. Depression is the ultimate bad boy, taking me away from friends and family, keeping me from living the life I am meant to.
But you know how we girls love a bad boy. So now, when he beckons me, I know I should say no, but part of me knows it would be so much easier to say yes.
So far I have resisted him.
Some things help. Like when someone makes me laugh at work, or having my vacation to look forward to. Or going out to dinner with new friends. Or even someone familiar with my situation saying some kind words. Shockingly, sometimes going to the gym helps. When my brain is busy it’s as if there is a crowd of people standing between me and my bad boy, blocking him from getting to me.
But on the weekends, in the mornings, when I am awake, and my husband is sleeping…I lay on the couch, our couch. And I glance over and see depression in the doorway, giving me a sultry look. He knows we’re all alone and he wants to get on the couch with me, to envelope me.
But I resist. And I pray to God to keep giving me the strength to resist until depression gets bored of hanging around waiting for me and rides off on his motorcycle.