Thursday, May 30, 2013
I am at work and I feel like I am about to hyperventilate.
All around me people are carrying on as if it is a normal day. And to them it is.
But for me, it is the last day that I can entertain the possibility that I am pregnant before finding out for sure.
Once we go to the doctor tomorrow and they call us with the results, our lives change.
In the past, a positive pregnancy test would have certainly been life changing, if I had in fact carried to term. But a negative pregnancy test result, although heart-breaking, was never really life changing because we knew we would try again.
If tomorrow’s pregnancy test comes back negative, we’re done. It’s over.
This is the first time in the 9+ years that we’ve been doing this that we have felt such a sense of finality.
It is one thing to know that it could be over as of tomorrow. It is another thing entirely to accept, and come to terms with the fact that we will never have children. That possibility has of course always been there, lurking in the background. But now we are face to face with it. We are staring it down.
A big part of why I kept this cycle a secret was so that, in the event of good news, I could surprise my mom. I have thought of all these scenarios of how I would do the big reveal.
But now I keep imagining how I may break the bad news to her. I think she is the only person who will come close to being as heart-broken as Todd and I will be.
I know I shouldn’t be negative. I know I should hold on to these next 24 hours and hope with all my might.
But I don’t feel like I am pregnant. I don’t mean that I don’t have the early pregnancy symptoms. I mean that I don’t think/feel that I am pregnant. Women’s intuition or whatever. Hopefully I am wrong.
But I can’t will myself to be pregnant. All I can do is try not to go crazy for the next 24 hours.