It’s just a phase: The asshole phase

So because we went through 10 years of fertility treatments, and REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to have a baby, I think people expected me to be all grateful and never complain. To always act like everything was rainbows and fucking unicorns.

Like when I was pregnant if I said something about my head hurting, or being tired of the countless trips to the bathroom, people would look at me and say oh so sweetly “Well this is what you wanted dear.” Or “This is what you signed up for.” Or my personal favorite “Careful what you wish for honey!”

Because obviously, since I wasn’t enjoying everything about being pregnant, I would just take it all back and un-wish for it.

People suck sometimes.

But also, KIDS SUCK SOMETIMES. (This is another one of those things I’m not supposed to think or admit)

My dear, sweet against-all-odds miracle of a baby is such an asshole right now. Yes, I called Madeline an asshole. Please don’t call child protective services on me. Just like she’s going through a phase of being an asshole, I’m sure I’m just going through a phase of thinking she is one.

She will be 18 months old next week, and I think maybe the terrible twos have started early. Then again, I thought her terrible twos started when she was 2 months old.

She has entered the hitting and pinching phase. No biting yet. And she’s most aggressive with me.

We will be sitting on the couch playing, and she will very nonchalantly, reach over with one hand, never taking her eyes or other hand off the puzzle she is doing, and pinch me. HARD. She’s all what, it’s no big deal.

Or if I tell her  not to do something like, oh I don’t know, stick a coloring pencil in  her eye, she hits me.

And when I grab her hand to restrict her movement and tell her quietly, but sternly, Madeline that is not nice, we don’t hit mommy, she hits me with her other hand. Or stomps her feet.

Or worse, she smiles, and touches her finger to my nose, and says all sweet-as-pie “beep.” And really, who can keep a straight face and not bust out laughing.

How am I supposed to know how to properly discipline her? Some schools of thought say ignore their behavior, don’t reward it with a reaction. Others say just love them, give them hugs and kisses because they’re acting out of fear. Others say put them in time out.

What is wrong with all of you “experts” that you can’t get your shit together and agree on one definitive approach. Tell me how to raise a happy, kind, confident kid.

All kids are different. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I just don’t want to raise a psychopath.

Anyone else have that fear? When your toddler looks you right in the face, with a slightly evil expression and maintains eye contact while they rear back and open palm smack you.

I need some encouragement here. Tell me about your kids that went through this phase, how you dealt with it and how they’re sweet, thriving children now. I need to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In the meantime, I am grateful to have a husband that allows me to take an evening “off” from parenting so that I can go take a long bubble bath while he takes care of her and fetches me some delicious, greasy comfort food and puts her to bed.

Of course, once that is done I look at her on the monitor and have to fight the urge to go pick her up and hold her, because at the end of the day, she’s  my little asshole and I love her fiercely.


About llipps

New mom, infertility survivor, marketer, wife, daughter and friend. I struggle to find the balance between being all things to all people and being happy with who I am. I love meeting new people, telling my stories, and hearing yours.
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One Response to It’s just a phase: The asshole phase

  1. HappyFamily says:

    I feel your pain. My daughter is 2 and we are going through a hitting phase as well. It is terrible and sometimes makes me want to stay home since her hitting is generally with friends. I found this post last week and it has made a big difference for us (a week without hitting). Hope it helps you too.

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